Goo woke me this morning at 7ish, and after getting him settled with his older brother and sister, I went back to bed for a while. It is times like these that I dream most vividly, and that I remember my dreams the best, and today was no exception. Today I dreamed that I was at a party with a bunch of my bloggy friends…mostly people that I was pretty friendly with when I was at my old blog on Blogger…some of whom have not followed me over to my new blog.
In my dream, I sat next to Mishi and rocked little Alexis to sleep while her blog-famous Mom was sociable. I waited excitedly to meet Lunanik because she was running late. There were others there that I don’t know. There was a beautiful Indian woman with her three gorgeous daughters. There was a woman with curly hair and glasses who had, like, eight children. Stella and I had a great chat. Mamarazzi was there dressed all in pink. It was a fun dream.
And yet, just as in real life, I felt slightly seperated from a few of those bloggers I admire most. Mr. Lady, BusyDad, and Huckdoll were huddled in a corner in deep conversation. OhMommy was looking fab in her stillettos, chatting with Joeprah. I stood back and watched. I was envious of their connection. I wanted to be a part of it.
I think about this, though, and I don’t understand myself. These are all people I am on friendly terms with. Busydad and I have had some great conversations via comments. Huckdoll stood up for me in a major, humbling way when I got some hate mail. Joeprah gave me a great review once on his blog. All of these other bloggers would be, I’m sure, generous and friendly and gracious and wonderful if I were to meet them in person. They would not, in a million years, think of me as “less” than them, even though my readership, especially here at my new blog, has gone way down and I’ve been posting much less than I used to. So the fact is, the problem lies with me. Once again, I feel inadequate. Once again, I feel not good enough. And as a result, I’m being held back by my own low self-expectations.
I know it was just a dream, but I should have gotten up and talked to those people standing around. Why would I wait for them to approach me? I am not shy. I am not introverted. I am outgoing and friendly and funny and fun. Why am I so afraid? Why do I think that I will be rejected?
I think dreams can, at times, teach us a lot about ourselves. This one, for sure, showed me just how much I’m hurting myself by having these ridiculous fears. It taught me that I need to think more of myself than I do, and I need to figure out a way to gain confidence and to know that I’m a pretty great person. Other people tell me all the time. It’s time I started believing them.
Secret Agent Mama said,
June 7, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Wow! That dream spoke volumes to you. Just so you know, if you were sitting next to me, you’d be laughing incessantly. So-much-so that you wouldn’t be able to get up and talk to anyone. Truthfully, you might have wet yourself.
Sorry I haven’t been by. Your dream and comment reminded me to add you to my blogroll. I float like a bumble bee, so sometimes you may not hear from me, but I’m always your bloggy peep!!
xxoo
David said,
June 7, 2008 at 2:11 pm
You are still one of my favorite bloggers! I do miss you when you don’t post, and I am sure I am not alone.
Forget the numbers, just write from the heart and soul. The numbers will come back, not that it matters.
Be you!
Do it for you!
David
Mamarazzi said,
June 7, 2008 at 2:54 pm
it took me a minute to figure out who you were and then it came to me like a favorite SONG. where have you been? i mean i know you’re here. you left blogger sooooo suddenly, or so it seemed.
i am glad you popped in and said something so i can add you to my reader and get caught up.
i love that you dreamt me wearing ALL pink…hilarious!
Chuck said,
June 7, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Yes, you do need to start believing them.
Had I been there we would have been talking. I’m sure!
BusyDad said,
June 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Bunchy! I am at the airport gate waiting to board my plane for China. Just wanted to jump on real quick to say “I was waiting for you to say BD let’s grab us a beer!” Oh well, we’ll just have to fix that in person someday
Mamarazzi said,
June 7, 2008 at 3:05 pm
ya know i am thinking a lot about what you write here. my mom use to tell me “you need to stop waiting for your engraved invitation, no one gets those, people just decide if they want to play and they join in, you can do that too, if you really wanted to.” it use to REALLY piss me off when she said that to me. i wanted people to come and get me, ask me to join in…even though they themselves were not “invited” they just came. it wasn’t until i threw my daughter her first big slumber party and there was the one girl who sat on the sofa in the front room on her cell phone with her mom that i thought to myself, “what? is she waiting for an engraved invitation?” WHOA i was my mother…it took me a minute to shake THAT little revelation off before i sent in one of the girls to invite her to join us. i watched the evening and next day as EVERY time the girls gathered to do something, this girl walked away…sat…and pouted…waiting..for her engraved invitation. the girls indulged her. they took turns inviting her to join them, and she did.
watching this made me realize that even as an adult i still did this. i STILL go to gatherings and expect people to approach ME and make ME feel welcomed and wanted. i promised myself that i would stop doing that. that the next time i was at a social event i was going to be the one working the room making sure everyone was included and having a good time. i did it. i had a GREAT time and i found myself REALLY working the room. i would introduce myself to someone and then take them to meet someone i had never met. it was scary at first…but it was amazing in the end.
why did i waste soooooo much time waiting for my personalized engraved invitation to join LIFE?!
ohmommy said,
June 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Teehee… I have blogging dreams all the time.
It took me forever to figure out who this is… LOL. I think I just did. Nice to have you back!
Alison said,
June 7, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I think we all have periods where we feel completely and totally inadequate or sometimes, in my case, worthless. Like, why am I not good enough to be there friend but everyone else, type of feelings. They are so hard to deal with and get through but once you do and you recognize that you’re amazing- as you are !- it’s like the sun has opened up a whole new world to you. It’s this incredible realization of everything that everyone has been saying to you and finally you get it and you know you are wonderful.
I would have come with you to talk to those people….
Mr Lady said,
June 7, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Dude, everyone feels like that. Pinky swear.
kittyconcerto said,
June 7, 2008 at 7:30 pm
oooooooh Mamarazzi got it so right. And I feel EXACTLY the way you do. Except that you were already loved once….. and still are. Keep on posting from your heart.
Huckdoll said,
June 7, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I’m so not a huddle in the corner type partier. I’d be forcing jello shooters and dancing on you.
People would be watering down my wine. As usual
SWC said,
June 7, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I was probably in the bathroom or something on my way back out to hang with my best girl, Bunchy. XO
LunaNik said,
June 8, 2008 at 10:16 am
I was running late, eh?
Seriously, the fact that you dreamed THAT about me, means you know me well. Really, really well. I am never on time.
As for feeling like you are on the outside looking in, oh I totally getcha. I feel that EXACT same way A LOT.
Will we ever get over it?????
Latte Mommy said,
June 8, 2008 at 1:30 pm
You know, there are days when I feel the exact same way. Inadequate. Uncool. Those are usually the days when I don’t post. Dumb, huh? ‘Cuz when I do get my act together and post, great people like you pop up and remind me that I’m worthy.
PS – I’m going to pretend that I was at your party whipping up some latte-inspired martini in the kitchen…
LaskiGal said,
June 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I seriously want to pull out my dream dictionary and start analyzing . . .
To be honest, I’m totally cool being on the outside looking in (thus my blog title). If I’ve learned one thing it is that being inside doesn’t always give you the best view.
Hey,I’ll be in early July–say we try again
Joe said,
June 9, 2008 at 12:49 am
I go through all those emotions too, especially when Huck makes fun of me. Joeprah has your back and and always will. You are awesome and I am so glad to have come across such an authentic soul. I can’t believe you had a dream about me. What was I wearing? Drinking? We didn’t talk? WTFudge? You know we would have! Dreams are great and so are you. I think I need to review the Bunchy Blog…
Sports Mama said,
June 9, 2008 at 4:28 am
Goodness. In my dreams, I’m always flitting around, getting someone something, and never taking the time to just slow down and talk to them.
Bunchy, darlin’…. you are totally adored. If I were to guess, I’d say that group huddled in the corner? They were trying to figure out a way to approach YOU.
melbs1969 said,
June 9, 2008 at 7:45 am
hi honey!!! it’s funny that both of us switched! i’m glad you let me know where you went!
when i was stopping my blogging…i dreamed of tara…if mom says ok…and she yelled at me to start blogging again…i think i posted about it!
it’s funny to dream of our blog friends. and it’s even funnier how our minds make up what they look and sound like!!
xoxo
Burgh Baby said,
June 9, 2008 at 10:18 am
It took me an entire day to piece things together and figure out the scoopage. I’m so slow when I’m sleep-deprived.
Having met Mishi, I can tell you for a fact that you would end up sitting next to her laughing your butt off. And if you can rock Alexis to sleep? Get your ass over here, pronto. I could use the help.
Jaina said,
June 9, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I kept checking and checking to make sure Reader hasn’t been lying to me about no new posts from you for a while. I’m glad to find two new ones on my return from a weekend building a patio cover for my parents. I’m sad to hear the tone of your post though. You are wonderful and MORE than adequate, and I agree, you should start listening to everyone telling you so. (though I know it’s much easier to say than to do) ::hugs::