One thing I’ve been contemplating a lot lately is how much unhappiness and anger is in the world. I’m constantly amazed at how many people are so quick to flip me the bird as I “get in their way” on the road, or give me a dirty look if I’m taking too long at the checkout counter, or look the other way if I smile as I pass a stranger on the street. Just this morning I read an article about a television show, and the number of people who took the time to read the article and then badmouth the tv show was staggering! The negative comments about the show far outnumbered the positive comments. I just don’t understand this. Why would you even bother to read the article, if it was a show that you hated? I don’t get it.
Two weeks ago today I was standing vigil at the bedside of my big sister in the ICU of a nearby hospital. I had been there all night and, as it would turn out, would stay all day. She had been fighting breast cancer off and on for ten years, and it was finally winning. My sister wasn’t giving up…she was still fighting despite the pain, the exhaustion, and the news from the doctor that she only had a couple of days left to live. She had hugged her little girls, aged 12 and 9, and held the hand of her amazing husband who she loved so much. She had said the words we all needed to hear from her, and we had said the words we needed to say. But she still didn’t give up. She was still fighting.
In the midst of that fight, during the last two days of my sweet sister’s life, she was smiling. She was bald and thin and her body was covered in rashes that meant her blood was betraying her, but still she was smiling. The nurses (they were wonderful nurses!!) came to gently give her medication or change her bedding or check her wounds, and she smiled at them and said thank you. She was too weak to reach out for her own cup of water or ice chips and would ask me for some, and she would say please. She was dying, and she was leaving behind a wonderful husband and two amazing little girls, but she was still smiling.
We all do our share of complaining. I whine that there aren’t enough hours in the day to complete things at work or at home. I get frustrated when my kids don’t help out enough or when they fight with each other constantly. Let’s face it: life is rarely easy and it’s so easy to complain about the little stuff as well as the big stuff. And I understand…I really do. Just because one person is dying from breast cancer doesn’t mean that it hurts less when you stub your toe.
And yet. Today I will smile at strangers more. Today I will not complain about my work load or my messy house or my children fighting. Today I will say thank you to even the smallest acts of kindness and I will try my best to perform a few acts of kindness myself. I will hug my children, I will tell my friends and family how much they mean to me, I will work hard, I will play hard, I will live my life, and I will be happy.
I miss my sister more than I can say. And the fact that she’s no longer here leaves a chunk of my heart missing that nothing else can fill. But I am so blessed. I had a sister that was an example to me of who I want to be. I spent my sister’s last full night with her, smiling with her, and talking with her, and holding her hand, and watching the way she still moved in the world, even though she could barely move at all. I will never forget those last days, or the thirty-five years of days I had with my sister leading up to that point. They were a gift.
I will treasure that gift for the rest of my life, and even though it will sometimes be with tears in my eyes, still I will smile.
Shelley said,
February 24, 2009 at 10:48 am
Beautiful, Karen. I’m posting this teary-eyed. Your sister sounds like a wonderful person and sister. I’m glad you were blessed with her presence in your life. My sister is my best friend, so I can only imagine the loss. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. A wonderful, thoughful post. And, on a side note, I’ve missed your writing since I didn’t know where to find you anymore.
Rebecca said,
February 24, 2009 at 11:02 am
So good to see you writing. This is a beautiful tribute to your sister and a reminder to us all about the importance of living in a way that demonstrates God’s love.
Anna Raese said,
February 24, 2009 at 11:46 am
Karen
I have followed your sisters blog for the last year and I have been praying for Donna and all of you. I lost my sister in 2001 when she was 36 and so I understand the pain and the hole. I too look at people who are unhappy and make a big deal about small things and want to say to them “do you realize that none of this really matters for eternity”. I have to remind my self that as well when I let things get me down. My parents are also deceased and so I know all to well how quickly things change and that none of us is guaranteed our next breath so I try to tell my family and friends often, how much they mean to me. Remember there is no time table on grief and cry when you need to cry and smile at the good memories. And know others are praying.
melinda said,
February 24, 2009 at 12:23 pm
karen– that was so beautifully written. i think that your sister was not the only one in your family who had such a kindhearted spirit!
jolyn said,
February 24, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I will just say I am so, so sorry for your loss. You were given a gift, and you treasured it. What a wonderful testament to your sister’s memory. You must print this out and put it somewhere safe.
Jelly said,
February 24, 2009 at 3:43 pm
What you say is so true. The day we were headed to Donna’s memorial visitation, there was a series of small irritating things – The Boy kicking the dog’s dish, stuff spilling on the rug, the rug backing deteriorating in the washer causing more of a mess… I thought about Scott & his girls & all that your family was going through & realized in the grand scheme of life, it’s amazing how often we get upset about piddly things. Thanks for the good reminder in your post of something I’d like to remember, too.
Joanna said,
February 25, 2009 at 8:36 am
You have a way of working words to touch each person’s heart that reads them. Glad to see you writing again!
Chuck said,
February 25, 2009 at 9:18 am
Oh Karen. I am very sorry for your loss and my heart aches for her husband and those girls. You’ve put together a wonderful tribute here. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Jenn @ Juggling Life said,
February 25, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. Something like this does give you perspective–it’s holding on to the perspective that’s hard–thanks for the reminder.
SWC said,
February 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm
You are all in our thoughts and prayers daily. I will remember your sister and this story to remind me of the importance of being happy, even in the face of difficulty. What an example she was. And you too, by the way. You are the best! I wish I had a sister or even a brother, that was just like you. XO
April said,
February 26, 2009 at 4:00 pm
What a beautiful tribute. My heart goes out to you and your sister’s family. All that can comfort us in times like this is the knowledge that love never dies.
LaskiGal said,
February 26, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I am so sorry . . . I am not even sure I have the words.
You clearly love your sister and the gift you received . . . you just gave it to all of us.
Perspective. Appreciation. Love.
Thanks for that . . .
Mrs. Kitty said,
March 9, 2009 at 1:03 am
I’m sorry I’m so late in catching up.
This touched me more than I can say. I lost my sister many many many years ago, when we were both just very young children, and I know how much pain I experienced. I can’t imagine the pain your experiencing right now.
But you had many years with your sister that I know you have cherished. I’m so sorry for your loss, her children’s loss and her dear husband’s loss.
Big Hugs to you all.
Jaina said,
March 18, 2009 at 11:46 am
My heart broke when I read your BIL’s post that she had passed. She is with God now, and I’m sure she’s smiling down watching you and your family. Thank you for this reminder to share happiness. ::hugs::