Goo woke me this morning at 7ish, and after getting him settled with his older brother and sister, I went back to bed for a while. It is times like these that I dream most vividly, and that I remember my dreams the best, and today was no exception. Today I dreamed that I was at a party with a bunch of my bloggy friends…mostly people that I was pretty friendly with when I was at my old blog on Blogger…some of whom have not followed me over to my new blog.
In my dream, I sat next to Mishi and rocked little Alexis to sleep while her blog-famous Mom was sociable. I waited excitedly to meet Lunanik because she was running late. There were others there that I don’t know. There was a beautiful Indian woman with her three gorgeous daughters. There was a woman with curly hair and glasses who had, like, eight children. Stella and I had a great chat. Mamarazzi was there dressed all in pink. It was a fun dream.
And yet, just as in real life, I felt slightly seperated from a few of those bloggers I admire most. Mr. Lady, BusyDad, and Huckdoll were huddled in a corner in deep conversation. OhMommy was looking fab in her stillettos, chatting with Joeprah. I stood back and watched. I was envious of their connection. I wanted to be a part of it.
I think about this, though, and I don’t understand myself. These are all people I am on friendly terms with. Busydad and I have had some great conversations via comments. Huckdoll stood up for me in a major, humbling way when I got some hate mail. Joeprah gave me a great review once on his blog. All of these other bloggers would be, I’m sure, generous and friendly and gracious and wonderful if I were to meet them in person. They would not, in a million years, think of me as “less” than them, even though my readership, especially here at my new blog, has gone way down and I’ve been posting much less than I used to. So the fact is, the problem lies with me. Once again, I feel inadequate. Once again, I feel not good enough. And as a result, I’m being held back by my own low self-expectations.
I know it was just a dream, but I should have gotten up and talked to those people standing around. Why would I wait for them to approach me? I am not shy. I am not introverted. I am outgoing and friendly and funny and fun. Why am I so afraid? Why do I think that I will be rejected?
I think dreams can, at times, teach us a lot about ourselves. This one, for sure, showed me just how much I’m hurting myself by having these ridiculous fears. It taught me that I need to think more of myself than I do, and I need to figure out a way to gain confidence and to know that I’m a pretty great person. Other people tell me all the time. It’s time I started believing them.